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Today I can honestly and enthusiastically tell you I am living my BEST life. I have never felt more present, awake, alive, strong, grounded, open, connected or trusting - in my life.
I TRUST in the GOOD of Life, in the limitlessness of the Universe. I TRUST myself to show up and not abandon myself. I TRUST my intuition, my strength, my courage, my perseverance. I TRUST where I’m going, because I KNOW the way has always been made clear in the past. The mist dissolves, the tumultuous waves recede and the sun always shines.
I KNOW my life is abundant - I see it and I receive it. I KNOW I can figure tough sh*t out AND I can ask for help from wise others. I KNOW I can do hard things, face overwhelmingly devastating circumstances and come out on the other side. I KNOW I am at choice and I consciously choose what will be the most life-giving for me.
I KNOW all of this in 99.9% of the cells of my body. It rises up as INARGUABLE TRUTH. It just IS.
I cannot help but beam with love and sweat joy. It just comes out of me. I wake up with delight and gratitude. Literally - I woke up the other morning feeling gratitude for my accountant. I love my family, I love my house, I love my dogs, I love the humans I meet in the grocery store.
And even when I face a not awesome situation (like when an AirBnB host said I was a lier for saying I had no hot water, or a boy I like doesn’t want to date me, or I feel unresolved in a conflict), I have an ability to witness my mind, body and emotions and to connect with my inarguable truth, instead of reacting in a way that just keeps the yuck in motion. So the .1 % of cells in my body that don’t KNOW or TRUST just yet? They have an opportunity to wake up, too!
But, if we walked back into late summer of 2017, I was unraveling. It was the year that my anxiety came to an obnoxious and unrelenting head that threatened to be my undoing. And that’s exactly what it felt like: I was coming apart. Try as I did, I could no longer hold myself together.
Anxiety daily coursed through my body. My heart raced, my skin felt like it was being electrocuted. Tears flowed seemingly without end, just looping around and around. I struggled to parent, I struggled to partner. The only relief I found was curled up, under a weighted blanket. Only there did the unraveling seem to pause.
I was annoyed and frustrated, exhausted by my own hyper vigilance.
One day, as I was sitting with myself, trying to welcome what was present, there was a loud rap on the door. I was off the couch in panic, my heart in my throat, ready to fight, before I realized it was an Amazon delivery. My body perceived a death threat and my mind could not tell the difference between reality and perception.
As I mentally recall that moment, my body also remembers - I am present to a sensation of energy zooming through my biceps, blood draining from my face, my heart racing.
I had been using my tools - therapy, yoga, meds, journaling, prayer, meditation, welcoming the anxiety. I had even taken a leave of absence from teaching, in part, to give my body and mind the opportunity to unwind from what I thought was just situational anxiety.
I mean, it was situational in that whatever situation I was in, there was anxiety.
Walk It Back
The reality was that anxiety had been there… Not just during the most recent school year. Not just through the end of my first marriage. Not just when I was on a jam-packed bus in Costa Rica, during college. Not just when I was playing piano in front of an audience. Not just when I couldn’t sleep the night before a big track meet. Not just when I did not want to be separated from my mom during her ladies night at the Bowling Alley…I kept going back, and back, and back. Anxiety had been present in my life, for what felt like forever.
I could see that anxiety was an unskillful attempt to control what felt uncontrollable…which happened to be the situation of living in an unpredictable and sometimes terrifying world.
The situation was my life and there was no getting out of that.
Back to Summer 2017
One day, I was particularly upset, hyperventilating, unable to calm down. Where was the relief? Could there ever be any? As I sat on the bathroom floor crying and crying and crying, I felt yelling within me: “I cannot do this alone! I need more support! I need something significant outside of me to help me, to FIX me! I feel so broken, so hopeless.”
And then I thought, “Do I need to be hospitalized?”
That thought captured my conscious awareness. I held my breath - the exhausting loop paused long enough for me to do a google search, find a number and call a facility.
The intake person was very matter of fact as she asked me what I was experiencing. I felt outside of my body as I heard my voice tell her what was going on.
She asked, “Are you in danger of hurting yourself or anyone else?”
I paused. No. There was NO danger of me hurting myself or anyone else. As cloudy and looping as I had been, as unraveling as I felt, I was clear and grounded in my response.
She proceeded to tell me that I wasn’t a candidate for in-patient treatment. As she talked, I recalled hearing other stories of people saying yes to the questions about harm, because it would be the only way to be received into a hospital.
I tried that option on for myself. Could I say YES, so that I would be hospitalized? I was willing to, if the YES felt right. But it didn’t. My NO was true and clear.
I don’t remember how our call ended, only that a shift happened internally, however perceptibly small. I left with a deep, intrinsic knowing that I must already have the tools I needed to face this and come out on the other side. Mind you, I couldn’t see the other side. I couldn’t see how it would happen, I just knew that in that moment, I was right where I needed to be.
A wash of quiet fell over my body. The flurry of panic that had preceded the call hushed.
I knew I had the tools. I knew I was right where I needed to be. I knew it wouldn’t be like this forever, even if I didn’t know what the path forward would look like.
Clear Knowing, New Opening
That moment of clear knowing initiated a new opening in my heart.
In her book, “When Things Fall Apart,” author Pema Chödrön writes:
“Reaching our limit is not some kind of punishment. It’s actually a sign of health that when we meet the place we are about to die, we feel fear and trembling…Rather than indulge or reject our experience, we can somehow let the energy of the emotion, the quality of what we’re feeling, pierce us to the heart.”
Though I experienced anxiety as an unskilful helper, as a relentless and damaging enemy of my life, as I was ready to just give up and relinquish autonomy of myself, what was more true was that I desired to live into the moreness of what I fervently believed was possible. I desired to live in alignment with my soul, in freedom, joy and peace.
I chose to listen to the intrinsic knowing that rose up in my consciousness.
The way forward, from that day in 2017, on the bathroom floor, when I knew there had to be another way, brought me here. It has been a process of learning how to PARE Down to what is truly essential, what is most important in MY life, so that I can live into the fullness of what is available to me; how I was designed to expand in the world.
This is what I believe:
I am essentially, at my core, Divine Love and Good.
I am made in the image and likeness of that which created me, which I know as Divine Love and the ALL GOOD, so there is nothing else I can be.
There is Infinite Possibility and Potentiality for my life.
I am only held back by the limitations I place on myself.
I am here, in this body, in this location in the world; with my unique experiences, gifts, skills, likes, dislikes, growth edges and consciousness because this is the very best place for me to express in this moment.
If a different place were better, I would be there. If a different expression were better, that is how I would express.
I am invited to be a conscious co-creator with LIFE so that I can fully expand into the possibility and potentiality that IS the center of my being.
My life is not dictated but a outflowing of the choices I make today, which are rooted in beliefs I have adopted, accepted and embody, either consciously or unconsciously.
When I align myself with LIFE, consciously choosing to be present in THIS moment, releasing limitations and embracing my potential, I cannot help but abundantly receive that which I desire: Love, Joy, Peace, Balance, Clarity, Freedom, Connection, Empowerment, Plenty, Wisdom, and Inner Wholeness.
When I align myself with fear and doubt, I cannot help but abundantly receive that which I would rather not have…more fear and more doubt and experiences that don’t cultivate LIFE.
When I am open to abundantly receive, I cannot help but give it right back in the world.
That which I receive is what I give back in the world.
I am at choice for what happens next in my life. I can choose LIFE or I can choose fear.
THIS is healing the world is ready for. This is the key to World Peace. But before it can get out there, it MUST BE AWAKENED, CULTIVATED and INTEGRATED HERE.
It stands to reason that I also believe this:
You are essentially Divine Love and Good.
You are made in the image and likeness of that which created you, which I call Divine Love and GOOD, so there is nothing else you can be.
There is Infinite Possibility and Potentiality for your life.
You are only held back by the limitations you place on yourself.
You are here, in this body, in this location in the world; with your unique experiences, gifts, skills, likes, dislikes, growth edges and consciousness because this is the very best place for you to express in this moment.
If a different place were better, you would be there. If a different expression were better, that is how you would express.
You are invited to be a conscious co-creator with LIFE so that you can fully expand into the possibility and potentiality that IS the center of your being.
Your life is not dictated but a outflowing of the choices you make today, which are rooted in beliefs you have adopted, accepted and embody, either consciously or unconsciously.
When you align yourself with LIFE, consciously choosing to be present in THIS moment, releasing limitations and embracing your potential, you cannot help but abundantly receive that which you desire: Love, Joy, Peace, Balance, Clarity, Freedom, Connection, Empowerment, Plenty, Wisdom, and Inner Wholeness.
When you align yourself with fear and doubt, you cannot help but abundantly receive that which you would rather not have…more fear and more doubt and experiences that don’t cultivate LIFE.
When you are open to abundantly receive, you cannot help but give it right back in the world.
That which you receive is what you give back in the world.
You are at choice for what happens next in your life. You can choose LIFE or you can choose fear.
As we each wake up to the truth of our goodness, of the possibility alive within us; as we each pare down to what is most important, tuning into the call of LIFE at the center of our being, we expand GOOD in the world.
We ripple out Love, we ripple out Hope, we ripple out Peace. It begins HERE, where we are. It begins HERE.
You want love out there? That love can only begin where you are NOW.
You want Hope out there? That hope can only begin where you are NOW.
You want Peace? That peace can only begin where you are NOW.
If you are ready to Take the Flight of YOUR Life, If you are ready to PARE down to what is most important to you, so that you can SOAR into infinite possibilities, you are already aligning with the call of LIFE at the center of YOUR being. It is time to wake up more and more of YOUR cells to the truth of your wholeness and goodness.
Are you ready? Join me on October 7 + 8 and take the Flight of YOUR Life! This is a 2-day empowering and transformational retreat in Scottsdale, AZ. It's time to live from the inside out; it is time for you to SOAR! 💚, Rachel
Rachel Sartori is an Embodiment and Wholeness Coach. She is kick-ass and heart-centered whether she is showing up as a workshop/retreat facilitator, a private coach, a writer or a speaker. Rachel invites you to exercise your soul, and participate in the healing of your own heart and the world around you. With Rachel, all is welcome, all the time.