Self-love is the capacity to know and embody the truth of your essential goodness and worth, always.
When you are in your full capacity for self-love, it means that you are anchored into this truth, even if someone is pissed off at you, or you make a mistake, or you aren't getting the feedback that you really hoped to receive. If we love ourselves when we are amazing, beautiful, in a relationship or {_fill in the blank_}, but we don't love ourselves when we feel dumb, ugly or someone just broke up with us...then we are loving ourselves conditionally, and that is actually NOT love at all. Love IS Love, without condition. Marianne Williamson brought this to my attention in her book A Course on Weight Loss. Thank you, Marianne!
Love IS Love is NOT conditional.
Whatever the thing is that we humans do, where we think we are being loving except we also aren't, but we still call it love? Well, by the power invested in me, I hereby declare that we need to come up with a new word for that. Calling the conditional thing we do LOVE puts our hearts and minds are in a pickle! And that is just not fun or life-giving for anyone. Our very nature is LOVE. Think: BABIES. Just writing the word and I feel all sweet. Love oozes out, all over the place, when a baby is present or mentioned or gestating or burping or staring at themselves in the mirror. Babies are pure love; they are so good, so worthy, just existing.
So why does it seem to be so tricky to LOVE ourselves, as we grow up?
The answer is that we have this Human Condition that births us into families where our parents and caregivers forgot their own goodness and worth and it spilled out onto us. It is scary to think the truth might be that we AREN'T AT ALL good or worthy! So FEAR jumps in. Our fearful humanity has created communities, systems and institutions that aren't anchored in the truth of our goodness and worth, and are instead driven by fear and insecurity.
Bottom Line: Loving ourselves is not easy (except for babies) and we are all impacted by the outcome.
Not Easy, but Not Impossible
Okay - so there is a pattern in our human history of forgetting the truth of our goodness and worth. That doesn't mean it is impossible to cultivate it. In fact, that knowing that exists in the brand new humans (BABIES) still exists in you, NOW.
There is a part that knows, however small or quiet it seems to be within you, that the truth of who YOU are, in fact, IS so good and so worthy! It knows the truth that you are actually WHOLE, right now!
That is the part that we get to tap into, to deepen into and expand our capacity for self-love.
Can You Feel It? Notice: Where is the knowing in you?
It may seem like a weird, abstract question, but this knowing lives in you, in cellular, subconscious memory.
Pause for a moment, perhaps even close your eyes, and think "I am essentially good and worthy." Breathe in and out. Repeat it again, out-loud or by mentally affirming it. "I am essentially good and worthy." You might notice a cringe, a tightening in your shoulders, a wobble in your tummy. (That's the part that just isn't so sure this is true)
Repeat it again, allowing the possibility that it might actually be true. "I am essentially good and worthy." You might notice a softening, an ache. (That's the part that would be so relieved if it were true)
Repeat it again, with as much conviction as is available to you. "I am essentially good and worthy." Now what do you notice? Perhaps a quickening in your heart space, openness, brightness. (That's the part that just knows)
It might make itself clearly known or it might be very subtle and gone in a flash. What is important is that you practice calling it forth.
I know that I KNOW Knowing what we know is one thing.
Knowing that we know is another. It is an empowering practice of consciously witnessing ourselves, observing our own lives. Generally, we don't do it. We just know stuff or do things. When I was a teacher, I asked my students to tell me about how they knew an answer in math. They would be frustrated, because they didn't have the awareness or language to express how they knew what they knew.
So we practiced. I would slow down my thinking and show them what was happening in my brain through a "think-aloud." Then they would try. As they developed the capacity to observe their own thinking, their understanding of the concept expanded deeper and wider. It wasn't even that they were learning a knew thing, but REALLY KNOWING something that was already, well, known, to them.
As they were consciously aware of what they knew, they were able to notice other places and times where the concept showed up. When that happened, they could transfer their knowing to apply to the new area! It both confirmed what they knew and continued expanding their understanding.
So it goes for us.
Affirmations Pave the Way To call forward what we already know about our essential beingness (however small and quiet that knowing may be), we can use affirmations, like we just did a bit earlier.
Affirmations expand our neural pathways, making them more like highways than overgrown trails. The subconscious knowing arrives in our conscious knowing more and more quickly, waking up the cells in our body and reminding all of who we are of what is true.
As we are consciously aware of what we know, we will be able to notice other places and times where the knowing resonates. When that happens, we will be able to transfer our knowing, to apply to the new area! It will both confirmed what we know and continue expanding our understanding. That's like veering off the overgrown trail and taking off down the highway.
And that leads us to the next part of Cultivating Self-Love...EMBODYING the truth that we are essentially good and worthy!
Try it out!
Write "I am essentially good and worthy" (or whatever best resonates for you) on a post-it note and stick it on your bathroom mirror. Every morning, look in the mirror and repeat the affirmation 3 times (or more). Notice how your body feels, notice your level of conviction, observe your own knowing.
Notice times when you feel deflated, rejected, bad, unworthy. These are examples of places and times where knowing your truth will support you to be more loving towards yourself. This is where you begin interrupting the patterns and programming that you have carried unconsciously and subconsciously for your whole life.
Try it for 3 weeks. 21 days. If you forget a day, just notice and then start again. Remember, this takes PRACTICE! So...you have to practice! 😉
And then? Drop me note and let me know what you are experiencing. Sending you so much love as you deepen into the truth of just how good and worthy you are!
Love, Rachel
Other Blogs in this Series: Self-Love: Where Life Begins Self-Love Embodied The Bridge Back: Forgiveness
Rachel Sartori is an Embodiment and Wholeness Coach. She is kick-ass and heart-centered whether she is showing up as a workshop/retreat facilitator, a private coach, a writer or a speaker. Rachel invites you to exercise your soul, and participate in the healing of your own heart and the world around you. With Rachel, all is welcome, all the time.
Read: Exercise Your Soul: Ignite Healing and Wholeness in your Life and Live from the Inside Out
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