Do you love yourself?
Notice your internal response. Perhaps even take a quick moment to jot it down.
Was your response clear and definitive? Hesitant or suspicious? Are there additional things you need to know first (like what I might be getting at), before you will answer the question?
Just notice.
It isn't the things we know we believe or even the things we think we believe that cause the most pain in our lives. Rather, it is what we believe, that we aren't even aware of (unconscious beliefs), that sabotages our forward movement in life. But how in the world do we even begin to catch hold of these unconscious beliefs?
To Be or Not to Be...
A few days ago, I wrote about an invitation to BE this year. The invitation is to release effort or the need to prove, and simply be in the eternal, always quality of life. I hold that unconditional qualities of the Divine, like freedom, abundance, peace, clarity, wisdom, love, and balance, are available in each of us: eternally, always, without condition. I believe that these qualities are the truth of who we are.
If this rubs you a little raw, don't worry; it is a pretty edgy thing to hold. We witness violence, hatred, judgement, chaos, confusion, brokenness and pain in our lives and the lives of those around us.
It can be easy to see essential goodness, and deep connection to Divine, in a brand new baby. It becomes increasingly difficult to see that same, essential goodness in an adult who makes choices that cause pain. I believe that one reason this edgy idea of the eternal availability of unconditional qualities of the Divine might rub you the wrong way, is that part of you has forgotten the essential goodness of YOU.
When We Forget
Hold, with me, the possibility that we are freedom, abundance, peace, clarity, wisdom, love, balance; that these qualities are our truth. Because forgetfulness is part of our humanity, we forget the unconditional, eternally expansive nature of who we are.
Here's how forgetting can show up for me:
When I forget that my truth is peace, I feel anxious, worried and scared.
When I forget that my truth is clarity, I feel confused, searching, and I justify everything.
When I forget that my truth is wisdom, I feel stupid, lacking, unqualified.
I am vs. I feel
Some of the things I described feeling were legit - I do experience feeling sensations when anxiety, worry or fear is present: I feel buzzing in my skin, my throat is dry, my armpits are sweaty. But what is the feeling sensation with stupid? Or unqualified?
I don't doubt that there are feeling sensations that show up...yet there is something missing. It only scratches the surface of what is happening on a much deeper level and it would behoove us to explore a little more.
I propose this: We like to use I feel in place of I am, as a way to cushion the blow of what might be true about us. That's right, friends, we are beginning to touch the unconscious beliefs.
Unconscious Beliefs are Tricksters
I feel has this weird way of dressing up as sneaky, unconscious beliefs. Buried beliefs (sometimes under many layers of muck and life) impact us in ways that we are usually clueless about, worming their way into our everyday lives guised as discomfort, bad days, break-ups, inflated egos, projections, justifications, validations, certifications, addictions - you name it. One way to catch hold of an unconscious, buried belief, is to notice how we might use "I feel" when, in fact, we might actually believe "I am".
Earlier I shared that when I forget that my truth is wisdom, I feel stupid, lacking, and unqualified. If I {courageously} replace feel with am, it would read as follows: When I forget that my truth is wisdom, I am stupid, lacking and unqualified.
YIKES!
That was so hard to type; was it hard to read? Seriously. I am literally shaking and a wave of heat just rushed through my body. You might notice an impulse to make a face as if I am off my rocker and how could I ever think that is true?
And yet, that is exactly what I am proposing. Part of me is terrified that it is true: that I am stupid, lacking and unqualified. In fact, it is so painful to consider, that I stay as far away from conscious acknowledgment as possible. I "feel" it, instead of owning that part of me believes it. I may even use sarcasm or play the role of victim to try to keep some distance between my conscious awareness and the possibility of truth that I AM stupid, lacking or unqualified.
Unfortunately, no matter how we try to run away from these buried beliefs, they have a way of exerting energy and impact on our lives. Until we are {courageously} willing to look at the belief directly, and be with that part that is terrified it is true, we won't ever be free from it.
One way to catch hold of an unconscious, buried belief, is to notice how we might use "I feel" when, in fact, we might believe "I am".
All is Not Lost
I asked you to hold with me the possibility that we are freedom, abundance, peace, clarity, wisdom, love, balance; and that our forgetfulness is part of our humanity. If I {courageously} turn towards the possibility that part of me believes I am stupid, lacking or unqualified, I have an opportunity to be with truth in a new way. All is not lost.
Turning Towards: the Journey Within
This turning towards is an inward journey. It happens as I am willing to be vulnerable within myself, my own beingness.
It happens as I open the doorway of my soul and begin to peek through, to what I have been avoiding.
It might take place during a quiet meditation, journalling, a forest walk, or in a session with a trusted guide.
It happens as I give myself permission for things feel messy and undone, to hear the internal commentary about who Rachel is.
It happens as I am conscious and awake to what is happening underneath the surface of who I think I am.
It happens as I sit with the stuff that is uncomfortable, as I face the things I'm terrified are true, and as I feel the emotions and sensations that rise up.
Do you love yourself?
How did you answer this question?
When I answered it, it was an unequivocal, enthusiastic YES!
But when part of me wonders if I am actually stupid, lacking and unqualified...well, that is NOT love. And if that part is pleased when I get a degree or certification or high-ranking job, that is also NOT love. Marianne Williamson speaks to this in relation to how we feel about our bodies. She writes, "If you love your body when you're thin but hate it when you're not, then you love yourself conditionally, which is not love at all." (from A Course in Weight Loss, page 103). Love does not cause pain. Love does not punish. Love does not have conditions. Love is love is love.
Facing the Unconscious Beliefs
I have now identified two beliefs that I didn't consciously realize I had: 1.) Part of me believes I am stupid, lacking and unqualified; 2.) Part of me believes I am only worthy of love if I get a degree or certification or high-ranking job.
It feels awful to consider that these things might be true. AND this is the exact right place to be, to have that new relationship with truth.
The invitation here is to feel any and all of the feelings that rise up when facing these beliefs.
It is painful! I grieve for myself, for my heart, for my little baby-self that came into the world SO, SO good. I grieve for the way I talk to myself and the shame and blame I heap on myself.
FEEL It All
As I feel - actually FEEL - the feelings that are present, a pretty phenomenal thing happens: I realize that the painful beliefs are untrue, not just in my logical thinking brain, but in my body.
I might connect with a memory where, to make sense of my world, I decided it must mean that I am stupid, lacking and unqualified. I might audibly groan or feel sick to my stomach.
I might remember a family member or friend being told how stupid, lacking or unqualified they were for not having a particular degree or certification or high-ranking job. I might feel embarrassed, ashamed, wilted.
I might remember times when I have tried so hard to prove that I absolutely AM NOT stupid, that I have more than enough and that I am more qualified that your pinky finger. I might feel heat, fear, defense.
I might cry or tremble.
When I follow the feelings in a conscious and awake way, and allow for an embodied expression (i.e. tears, heat, groans), I am accessing the ME that was so deeply connected to Divine when I was a little baby; the ME that is essentially good, always. This is where those unconditional qualities of the Divine, like freedom, abundance, peace, clarity, wisdom, love, and balance, are available in each of us: eternally, without condition. I realize that I AM always deeply connected to Divine.
The Truth Sets You Free
It is here that I remember my TRUE truth: I am wisdom embodied, in my own Rachel-way, regardless of certification, degree or high-ranking position. I am peace, even though there is chaos present in the world. I am clarity, even when confusion abounds outside of me.
In the inward place of my soul, I know that I know that I know, that I am of the Great I AM. I remember what has been True from the beginning of time. This is the journey of healing, of coming home within ourselves, and of living into our fullest expression.
Be Conscious and Awake
If you are ready to catch hold of any unconscious beliefs that may be sabotaging your forward movement of life, it begins with a willingness to turn inward with conscious awareness and courageous willingness. I invite you to notice what is present for you, right now, in this moment. Write it down in a journal, send me an email, or share with a trusted heart. More opportunities and tools are noted below. You are not alone on this journey.
Sending you so much love as you Exercise Your Soul,
Rachel
Rachel Sartori is an Embodiment and Wholeness Coach. She is kick-ass and heart-centered whether she is showing up as a workshop/retreat facilitator, a private coach, a writer or a speaker. Rachel invites you to exercise your soul, and participate in the healing of your own heart and the world around you. With Rachel, all is welcome, all the time.
Read: Exercise Your Soul: Ignite Healing and Wholeness in your Life and Live from the Inside Out
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